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| 02:53pm 07/12/2009 |
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long philly nights. |
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| 04:40am 04/12/2009 |
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is it still love if the things you love are just the things you hate the least? |
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| 01:27am 30/11/2009 |
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she said i was perfect and i had to warn her
please don't let yourself think i'm perfect. if you do, soon you'll only be able to see the imperfections. |
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| 03:31am 28/11/2009 |
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tonight i saw a falling star
my wish didn't come true |
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| 03:28am 25/11/2009 |
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i was born on thanksgiving day. every 22 years it seems the stars align so that my birthday once again falls on actual thanksgiving. i might be making this up. it could be more frequent.
i just want you to know that while you're with your family stuffing yourself to celebrate genocide, pillage, rape, and the eradication of indigenous peoples everywhere, i will be sitting drunk, by myself, cursing you and your hypocrisy down to the bones.
the bottom line is, if you celebrate thanksgiving, fuck you. i don't give a fuck what you're thankful for, because there are so many hundreds--thousands--perhaps millions--of people who don't have a single thing to be thankful for--hundreds of thousands of people who don't have a single thing at all. they live and they work and they die so that you have dead animals to mutilate and gorge yourself on while you sit around for a few hours to pretend you're close to your relatives.
i'm thankful for granpa, who is racist but it's ok because he was raised in another time.
i'm thankful for granma, who puts up with the family abuse because abuse is all she has ever known.
i'm thankful for uncle no one, who showed up drunk and bee-lined for the tv as soon as his plate was cleared.
i'm thankful for aunt no one, who loves her kids and her dogs but beats them anyway because that's what good christians do.
i'm thankful for cousin no one, who thinks he's an individual because he drives a european car, goes to the gym, has a salary and a 'hot as shit' girlfriend (he can tell because his friends told him she was).
at least there is the hope that you can make a spectacle of yourself and die mid-meal. a burst blood vessel in your brain or a flash-clogged artery.
"but the mashed potatoes were so good," you'll gasp with gravy on your lips and blood dripping out of your nose. "i couldn't help myself."
and your mother will pat you on the back with an encouraging plasticine smile, sedated, high out of her gourd on percoset and triptophan and say, "oh he always did love to put on a performance."
and your father will lean across the table and dip his biscuit in your blood and take a bite. he'll notice it tastes just like cranberry sauce.
and somewhere far away, i will be drunk, alone, laughing, thankful for being able to eat at all, and thankful that i am one year closer to the end of this horrible song n dance. |
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| 02:21am 18/11/2009 |
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the human animal is capable of such a range of feelings and interpretations of external stimulus that it is not infrequent that, even if i wanted to tell you how I felt, there would not be words sufficient for the task.
to what extent are we limited by our language? who is to say there isn't a whole shadow world of new feelings and emotions and sensations, just beyond the veil, that we are all perpetually denied access to simply because we are incapable of expressing them?
there is an idea kicking around somewhere in my brain that relates to this, that i have yet to find purpose for.
if a tree falls in the forest, and no one is there to hear it, does it still scream?
the idea of animate versus inanimate boggles my mind. we are all composed of the same generic matter. there are differences of a few ions or atoms or chromosomes or what have you, but no one will argue that the majority of the universe is composed of the same things--which are mostly composed of empty space.
what i'm saying is, what a tragedy that we are so limited by our so-called understanding. my heart aches and my head hurts for all the things we have denied ourselves. and we don't even realize it. |
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| 12:08am 17/11/2009 |
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i wish my bike didn't have a flat so i could ride to the reservoir and watch these meteors everyone's talking about. need a good vantage point if one of em breaks the atmosphere and sets off some fireworks. |
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| 04:37am 13/11/2009 |
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i really like my job. |
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| 05:12pm 05/11/2009 |
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my head hurts. my diet has really sucked lately. i feel tired most of the time. i don't want to get sick.
my head is also swimming with ideas lately. everything i hear carries with it some arcane tidbit that my brain has hardwired to my brain's creative center. one day something exploded over the small town of Tunguska. in a place called the Dyatlov pass, 12 hikers were found dead 30 yards from their campsite, barefoot and in pajamas, apparently blinded and crushed by an incredible force. in 1573 a man named Gilles Garnier was found guilty of 'crimes of lycanthropy and witchcraft,' when it was revealed he had been cannibalizing town's folk to feed his malnourished wife.
i want to play more shows. i wonder if toddy's gonna give us the $50 he said he would for the show at homegrown.
i think i'm going to go to the do make say think show on the 30th. i dunno how i'll get there or back.
i don't want to go to work. i want to sit at home and write and read and get something to eat.
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| 10:26am 02/11/2009 |
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i need to find a new place to live next year. |
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| 12:32am 20/10/2009 |
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all my guts are screaming for the sound of shattering glass. i want to break things to break the monotony.
i feel really insane. i'm pretty sure i'm insane. i can't decide whether i feel like other people think i'm insane or if they just think i'm an idiot. it could be both.
i got a new tattoo of a rocket ship. i like it but depression and neurosis won't let me enjoy it. |
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| 06:40pm 14/10/2009 |
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people make me fucking sick. i want to throw up. i really might throw up at any moment.
all i wanted was to buy groceries so i can cook for myself and my friends. instead i have to deal with stupid machines and mongoloid clerks digging through my shit and copping an attitude. i should've kicked the cart over and yelled 'have fun cleaning that up, asshole!' but instead i just left.
UGHHHH I WANT TO PUKE ON YOU, FAT OLD LADY. I KNOW YOU'RE MISERABLE BECAUSE YOU'RE OVER FIFTY AND WORK AT THE GROCERY STORE, BUT THAT DOESN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ME!
next time someone gets on my shit in public i am going to make such a fucking scene. |
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| 01:43am 06/10/2009 |
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my head hurts from too much video games.
sometimes at night i get so crushingly lonely and man, i just can't explain it at all. i don't even like other people that much.
i had a dream about a girl who was a vampire and flew to my window with a 12 pack and a bag of hamburgers. it was beautiful and too good to be true, like dreams usually are.
everything makes my head hurt. my eyes are getting worse. my ears are getting worse. i should invest in an isolation tank and then have it shot into space, where it's quiet and there's nothing to see or hear.
just like a dream. |
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| 03:14pm 30/09/2009 |
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i don't want to get out of bed today aside from the boredom and threat of bed sores. i am going to try not to smoke any today in the hopes that this fucking awful cough will go away. two nights in a row i've been kept awake by it until the sun comes up and then i end up staying in bed til 2 or 3 in the afternoon. ugh. |
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| 03:50am 27/09/2009 |
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the show at the point was really rad. the show after it at mojo was not so good, but fuck those rednecks anyway.
i feel like i work a lot, but that's not true.
i had a lot of fun this weekend with a cute girl. it felt like swimming and never needing to come up for air. the sunlight in the morning made her eyes turn golden. |
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| 07:39pm 12/09/2009 |
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band practice today was awesome and i can't wait for the show on the 19th. |
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| 02:30am 11/09/2009 |
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i don't think busing tables is going to do much for my misanthropy. getting a complimentary soaking on the walk home doesn't help much either. but it's a paycheck.
today i spent most of the morning drawing tattoos. they're crude and by no means final designs, but i'm happy with a lot of them and just about all i can think about is getting more tattoos. sara dick and father time ordered a tattoo gun so hopefully this will be a possibility soon.
i wish just once there was a beautiful girl waiting for me in my bed when i got off of work. |
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| 02:13am 06/09/2009 |
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what a horrible fucking nightmare of a day inside my rotten stupid skull. i really hate myself sometimes and it scares me that the only thing keeping me from doing something phenomenally irresponsible is that i hate everyone else SO much more.
today i called the suicide hotline and my call got dropped twice.
mark my words, i'll kill every last one of you fuckers before i ever consider hurting myself again.
don't fucking test me. |
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| 11:23am 05/09/2009 |
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FUCK man all I want to do is have band practice. i don't even want to bother getting up now, all my plans for the day are shot because through the efforts of a vast assortment of assholes and retards, there aren't any suitable practice spaces any more. nate thought it would be a super sweet idea to take his bass rig over to geddis's, leaving our house with just the drum kit and guitar set up, then geddis trashed his drum kit, leaving nate's bass rig and jaffe's guitar rig at his place to collect dust. and finally, sam and rich are supposedly nervous about the sound proofing (or lack thereof) in the basement, but i'm calling bullshit on that because we were supposed to have puke screamer practice today, and i bet we'll have puke screamer practice tomorrow and nothing will be any different.
god dammit. why does little shit like this make me feel like i'm suffocating and paralyzed? i'm going the fuck back to bed. fuck you. |
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| 11:27am 30/08/2009 |
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i want more tattoos real bad. |
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ivandillinger's journal